Filling a Hole with My Soul :: A New Personal Birth

I never thought I’d ever make it this far. Considering a variety of traumatic life events, suffering, and my tendency to treat my body like a garbage can instead of the temple it is, I always felt doomed. I felt resigned to a life of physical pain, mental anxiety and emotional imbalance. The hole I felt inside just kept getting darker and deeper. This emptiness tried to invade the lives of those around me. Ignoring my souls cries for attention and Self-connection was my biggest mistake. I suffered and my relationships suffered. I needed me to fill that hole. I needed my own love, tenderness, compassion, discipline, structure, and guidance. I needed to be heard and seen by my own self. I’m on a lifelong exploratory journey of myself because I know this is not only important for my well-being, but also for the continued deepening and enhancement of my intimate relationships. I know not everyday will be easy but I’m going to fully take in the simplicity of this particular moment.

I woke up today feeling tired from my past 10 days of fasting so I took a moment to attune my senses to the world around me. Noticing the songs of morning crickets and a comfortable enfolding darkness, I gently stretched around. I then proceeded with a morning in-bed routine I hadn’t done in a couple years; half boat and tuck pose with Agni Prasana (aka Breath of Fire) which is a breathing technique for energizing. I was now ready to get up. This is going to be a beautiful day, I thought as I continued with my morning rituals to get my body ready for the day.

One reason I was so excited for this day was the fact that I would be eating a normal breakfast again. My fast had ended last night. That was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever purposefully done. Those of you who know me well, know my love of food and eating will probably be questioning my sanity right now. Don’t worry, it’s me and I haven’t been body snatched. When I sat down with that steaming bowl of luxurious oatmeal full of delicious goodies, I almost cried from happiness. The next 15 minutes proceeded to be some of the best of my life as I chewed each bite until it simple melted away. I savored each flavor individually and as a whole. It was orchestral.

Before leaving the house, I stood for a moment, closed my eyes and took in a magnificent deep breath, paused and then released it as slowly as possible. I began to feel the vibration of the cells in my body, not just energetically but literally. I felt Life and power moving within me. When I opened my eyes, I had the distinctive sensation of being born again. Not in the religious sense but again, literally. It was like my eyes were seeing the sparkle of light and my lungs were feeling the sweet fullness of air for the first time. This morning I tasted the nourishing milk of the universal Mother. I felt the warm caring embrace of the universal Father. Something old left me and new life entered in its place. I am walking, breathing, digesting, thinking, feeling and being all in Love. God is with me and in me. When I kissed Mark before he headed to work, I felt our spirits stir and the elements awaken. I breathed him in, felt the truth that is our authentic love, and in that moment, we were one.

Today is a day for new births. Personal transformation usually happens after periods of struggle and doubt. There will always be times where you think you won’t or can’t make it. The truth is that you can. If you give yourself the right tools and prepare yourself properly, you can and will make it. You can dust off any layers of grime that have hindered you from touching your own soul. You can welcome this aspect of you to take a fuller more central role in your life and your relationships. You can feel new Life within and around you. Begin re-creating your connection to yourSelf today.


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