I was under the delusion my life was harmonious for many years. I thought because I had a job, was in love, surrounded by friends and had fun, I lived in harmony. Truthfully though, I lived in a lie. A highly entertaining and intoxicating lie. My life was full of external power but sorely lacked authentic power. I put my faith in my abilities to do things in the outside world… Have things and people. Make money and achieve goals. Possess a great body and pretty smile. Experience lots of sex and junk food. Imbibe various mind altering substances regularly. Collect degrees and information. It was all just a cover. A camouflage for me to hide behind because I was afraid.
My fear of being genuinely myself drove this striving for external power. As long as my life was a good picture of harmony on the outside, what could possibly be wrong?
Why would I (or anyone) be afraid of being true to the real Self within? There are as many reasons as there are people. For me it was a mixture of not wanting to be rejected, not wanting to deal with the pain I held inside, not wanting to appear weak, not believing in my own dreams. Underneath all this was low self-worth. I just couldn’t see my unique gifts. I didn’t believe I had anything of great value to offer. I didn’t believe in myself beyond the fact that I could be what everyone else wanted from me. And here we come to a life changing comprehension of something about myself.
For as long as I can remember, my self-identity was tied to my relationships. I built my core identity around what my parents thought of me, what my friends expected from me, what my teachers told me, what my bosses demanded from me, what my intimate partners desired of me, and what I assumed the world wanted from me. But never for one moment did I consider what I needed from myself, what my soul was desperately crying out for me to see. My soul yearned for harmony. For truth within and around me.
This is where authentic power comes from. This is where harmony begins. When I started to pay attention to my soul and listen to what I needed, things began to make more sense. My life gained clarity. This clear vision was frightening and at first I didn’t know exactly how to deal with it. Once I decided to clean up my life and free myself from my addictions to external power and self-deceit, I really began to heal. I rerouted my life.
Taking time for self-care is the biggest gift I ever gave and continue to give myself. Understanding that my soul’s journey is the biggest priority of my human existence redefined my life. Internal harmony began to flourish and with it the seed of authentic power. Now this harmony is expanding outward and moving into my relationships. Now those around me are benefiting from my journey into my true self, from my belief in my own dreams, from my ability to hear my soul’s deepest wisdom and guidance.
You may think that making yourself and your soul a priority is selfish but in fact, it is what you need above all else. Without a strong connection to your inner wisdom, how can you really know who you are. How can you feel truly fulfilled in life? How can you genuinely share of yourself with others? How can you realize your own dreams and help humanity at the same time? How can you have real authentic relationships? How can you truly experience harmony? These things are all connected to you taking care of yourself and reaching out toward your soul. When you hold hands with your soul’s messages to you, you are open to life’s possibilities. You move beyond your own lies and masks. You become fearless. You face the deep pains and hurts. You let yourself be vulnerable which only makes you stronger. You become an advocate for your dreams and gifts. Learn to be truthful with yourself and bloom into the realness of your soul. Be gentle and patient with yourself as you develop this skill. It won’t be easy but it will be worth the effort.