We’ve all felt the changes happening around and within us. Things that used to work for us just aren’t working anymore. The more we stubbornly push in the same direction, the harder relationships (and life in general) seem to get. We need to shift with the flow. We need to courageously change things and welcome the uncertainty of trying something new.
I’ve experienced this in many ways but one of the biggest changes is my use of substances. There are many dimensions to this including my relationship to myself and my soul mate, Mark.
While drinking, smoking cannabis and over-eating junk foods gave me pleasure, they were simultaneously drowning my soul. I will admit that I had fun taking in various substances and perhaps was even able to open up more or connect more to certain areas of myself that I couldn’t find before. Then the problem hit me. I need to be able to find these places within and be open to others without the external “help”.
I needed to find a way to connect with my true self on my own. I needed to find comfort and acceptance of who I am by being completely who I am. No intoxicants included.
Working on this shift for the past 7 years has finally presented the results I hoped for. Sober. Clean. Able to be me. Fully, completely accepting and loving who I am as I am.
I used to have sentimental memories of when Mark and I would hang out, drinking, smoking and eating junk. We’d talk and laugh. We’d enjoy ourselves and each other greatly. While it seemed authentic at the time and even for years afterward, the rose-colored glass of my view into the past is gaining clarity. I see that we were enjoying each other through masks. We were enjoying each others’ masks.
This is not to say we couldn’t see the light of our souls behind the masks. We could. We knew we were meant to be together for a greater purpose. Perhaps it was fear that kept us in the grasp of substances.
Fear of our true selves. Fear of our own greatness. Fear of the greatness we could achieve together. Fear of being truly vulnerable and open to someone else. Fear of letting someone else know us entirely. Without hiding in substances.
The same problem presents itself. We needed to learn how to enjoy one another and have an open, loving relationship without the external “support” of substances. It’s been a challenging yet greatly rewarding road. We know we will always put energy into creating better versions of ourselves and our relationship and we are okay with that.
We continue to move through the sad, angry, resentful, and judgmental emotions as we rewrite our perspectives on life, ourselves and our relationship. There’s always love, acceptance, joy and bliss waiting on the other side.
This is a great article about the new dynamics of relationships. http://starchildglobal.com/starchild/relate.html
And another by Kim Anami about letting go, closing doors and taking a leap into the uncertainty of a new path. http://kimanami.com/leap-and-let-go/